the show must go on.

Everything hurts. Too tired to cry but everything hurts. My eyes hurt my head hurts my shoulder hurts. My heart hurts. It's a dream and if I wake up it's not gonna be real anymore everything would be different. Everything would be better and good and happy and different.

I'm not gonna wake up tomorrow to be ready to face the world.

It's not fair why today. Why today. I kept telling myself to fight on to calm down to fight back to win my match for my team for my school for my months of training for my years of training for all the coaches who have ever given a crap about me. And all that culminated into what happened on court today.

All those years and this is what I have to show for. It's not fair, why today. I kept telling myself that I could do this but I couldn't. But why today and not any other day. I don't regret not training hard enough because even though I complained. I trained my heart out. I wanted it and I knew the only way to get it was to train and train and bloody train.

I told myself that never again would it happen after sec 4 but bloody freaking hell, isn't it just like me not to keep my promises. I was just so nervous I couldn't do anything right I couldn't hear what coach was saying. Everything was so loud, everyone was shouting so loud I could see his lips move but I couldn't hear what he was saying. I was so nervous but I tried I tried I tried.

I want to be happy for my team that we've come this far together that we've accomplished so much together. But I just can't not today, not tomorrow I can't face the world and trust myself to be okay with everything. I just need to disappear for a while and not be anyone for a while not talk to anyone for a while because it's all my fault and I feel terrible and I don't want to feel this way anymore.

I should have won that game.

I know I'm not helping but I'm trying I promise I'll be okay with you guys, especially for the two of you I'm so sorry I know you're trying so hard to keep the team together. I promise I'll join you soon. But just for today. and tomorrow. I just need to find time to be alright with this pain.