Down to the river we will run

B: Everything about her is good
N: *smiles and nods gently*
B: *chuckles and softly* I'm just kidding la
N: no no, you're right. It's true. She's amazing.

I feel different this year. Or at least I feel different now. Maybe it's because I know things have to be different this year so I'm telling myself to think differently and to internalise these changes so as to illicit a different response from myself. Does that make sense?

Still no answers. She told me that I hadn't released it onto Him even though I said I had. Otherwise I wouldn't be worried and I wouldn't be thinking thinking thinking so much. She didn't tell me how. So how do I do it? I refused to convene with my thoughts yesterday, even though my deadline is up and they're still pushing me for an answer. I'm not replying messages, finding excuses to tell them when I meet them in person. Pushing it out of my head whenever it leaps out at me to confront me. That's my way of surrender. Telling my brain to shut up and being patient for something. Larger. I suppose. To happen. Is that how it's done?

He apologised for unloading all his problems on me, told me that he was well aware that everyone had their problems and that it wasn't fair for him to complain about his and only his problems. Told him that I was glad that he trusted me enough to talk to me and that I didn't want him to stop. But something in me is pissed off. Mostly angry at myself that I don't tell him things because I don't trust him to give my problems due weight, that even I feel that his problems matter more despite them being his. I cut the conversation short, telling him that he needed to rest up for tomorrow. But honestly, I was the one that wanted to sleep, so unbelievably tired from class, and all that stupid thinking and worrying and weighing and tossing and turning and trying to surrender but failing and not knowing how or why or what next and wondering why not yet or when. When. When will this end.

My brain needs a break. Give it a damn break already. Just please.

But despite all that. I do feel different this year. Different good. Different better.