I find it hard to tell you

Well yeah, it kinda hurt. I'm proud of myself today. I managed my smiles, I pretended everything was normal, and  pleasant, and ok. Even though it kinda hurt, like in my gut and in my heart. But I smiled and I told people that I was ok. And truly, I am. I told him, kind of rudely, that I have been alive long enough to know that it's 'just a a game.' What really pisses me off is that people disallow me from feeling upset over a loss. Don't worry, don't stress, don't be sad, cheer up, it's just a game.

STOP IT.

'Leave me alone," I told him when we were alone. "I just need people to leave me alone and to stop telling me that it's just a game. I know it is. I just hate losing. And if being hard on myself makes me a better athlete, then leave me alone." People, seriously, stop it. Not every girl is a damsel in distress, not every girl needs saving or cheering up. So just stop it.

It kinda hurt and it was a physical kind of ache. But I'm proud of myself for managing the smiles. If you don't smile around them, they'll come huddle around you and tell you how good you did. Hate that. So I'll save my frowny frowns for when no one's around and I'll smile so you'd leave me alone.

Sorry for this emo post, whomever reads this. It really did/does kinda hurt.