All of a sudden, I am struck by grave fatigue. Not of my limbs, not of my bones, not of my eyes or my head. It's a fatigue I've never really felt before and it feels like a nail in my heart.
It doesn't hurt. No, not the way it has been hurting for the past months.
It feels more... hollow. That feeling you get after a whole day of being busy and forgetting to eat, and then when you finally have a column of stillness to take stock of the day, you realise that all your striving and bodily neglect have been for material beings and material things. And in the end, they all count for naught.
That's what my heart has been doing for... I don't know. Years, it seems. It's been running around, falling into places it doesn't belong and falling in love with things and people it shouldn't. For too long I have been in love with human approval, with being wanted and desirable. So I strive and I deprive myself of sleep and food, and I run (although I hate running). For too long I've been in love with fiction and make-believe and daydreaming that I mask my escapism as something a lot more romantic and a lot less cowardly. For too long, I've been in love with the idea that I can live without God.
But I bloody well can't. And this is why this is why my heart feels this way.
I'm done with using my heart the way I want, with making it run apart in dizzy circles and in hectic schedules. Take my heart, O Lord. Take it, just please take it. I don't want to have anything to do with it anymore.
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