October

Tonight, it is sweltering. Even the moon is orange and flustered, kicking up a fuss with its dust and muskiness in the night sky. Holy Global Warming, Batman.

So the girls are moving on without me. I'm not quite sure how it happened. Everything sorta got ahead of me and whilst trying to find myself in uni, I allowed myself to lose track of things outside of school. Including the girls. I want to be able to blame her, for leaving and making me question the credibility of the group toward my spiritual growth. But I know that I can't.

It was a moment of frustration and indignation. "For goodness sake, won't all of you grow up and be serious for one second. Children, all of you, immature, spoilt, naive children." I wanted to storm out of the room, to give up on them just like she had. I wouldn't have been the first to do so. It would be unfair for people to blame me. I merely abandoned the sinking ship, I didn't cause it.

Pride comes before fall.

Ironic, isn't it. To think that I had wanted to make something out of a tragic event. But miss one Thursday and it's an uphill battle from there on out. I want to stay in the group but even I know I'm not gonna put in the effort. What a mess. At least they're doing better without me. What sick, sick irony.

I don't know about you but I feel like we're playing that unspoken game that people always play because it messes with their heads and we play it because we like being miserable. Yes, it's true. I do miss you. But not badly enough to be thankful for God's grace and mercy. She told me to stay away from you but I've never found it this difficult to hurt someone. Never. Please don't speak to me again, please don't hope. Or if anything at all, please just be my friend.

Hello world, welcome to October. My blistered fingers are sore and burning but I take it willingly, almost gladly - whatever takes away the guilt of me being a total jerk.