I was awoken by my mother leaving the house at 6AM this morning and despite having gone to bed at 9PM the night before (I did the math - 9 hours of sleep), I couldn't bring myself to get out of bed, start the day. Instead, I lay in bed and thought about Europe.
Remember how I was afraid I'd die on the plane to Zurich? Well, I didn't. And instead of taking a transfer flight from BKK to ZRH, I was put on a direct flight from SGP to ZRH. Not a bad start to a holiday at all, especially considering how annoyed I was with the Thai flight staff on my return trip from ZRH. But forget them, they are not worth writing about.
I started the trip off by wanting it to end. That sentiment I now resent because I'd give anything to go back, spend more time with my new-found friends and never have to face the reality that is Singapore, school and other major decisions. Escapism, works like a charm if ever it does but never lasts for as long as you need it to. The people I was with were a constant reminder of how I didn't make the cut for Law school and I know that people are as tired of hearing me talk about it as I am of feeling the emotions. They never leave you alone, your emotions, and they will find you and make you pay for ever thinking you could be rid of them. They were a reminder not only because Law school was a common topic for conversations but also because they are all incredibly intelligent, sharp, witty, discerning people whom future generations will look to for leadership and will gladly follow in the wake of world domination.
And I was miserable. I felt like I couldn't speak for fear I'd say something stupid, couldn't act for fear of being wrong, couldn't emote for fear that I'd be regarded as childish. So I opted to be invisible, to only speak if I was spoken to and even then, limit my word count to the lowest possible to mimimise the chance of saying something I'd later regret. I am tormented by pride. Maybe I have too much of it. Or maybe I have so little to be proud of (or that I am proud of so few things) that I can't afford to mar my image the slightest bit.
Eventually, things got better. Conversations became more real, more substantial and the silences weren't silent anymore. They were filled with questions that were probing and sometimes daringly intrusive, assertions of beliefs, principles, opinions that defined identities, details that determined persons. The summer took its cue as it crept into my veins a little more. Then came the sun and the car rides and the view. Oh my, the view. Road trips. With the music in the car, the beautiful world outside your window, and the wind in my hair and my face and my eyes and in my smile, the sunshine, the people. Many things are perfect if you say it right. And those moments, my friends, were perfect. These are moments I will tap into when bored in lectures or daydreaming in tutorials. What could be better (:
And very soon I found myself willing the holiday to last a little longer, for the days to pass a little slower and for the nights to fall a little later. Started to enjoy being treated like a kid because it was out of affection and not out of contempt that they christened me the baby of the group. It was an act of inclusion, like the children taking their place in a family portrait after all the others have settled down and in very specific positions, and not exclusion that they made fun of me being unable to sign my own consent form.
And I miss them. As I miss Europe.
With the school year waiting to begin, I know it's time to focus on the now. I've given myself a new commitment to stick to and given myself new goals to achieve. I don't know how this year will turn out but I will do everything in my power to ensure it doesn't turn out like the last one. And this will be a good year.
In Singapore.
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