I've got no time for feeling sorry

This is the part where it all breaks down.

From Publicity Director to Vice-President. Where did I get off thinking that those skills were transferable. I think he gave me the false impression that this was going to be easy - that inspiring the younger ones was going to be cake, that managing personalities was all in the bag. Well, surprise surprise maestro, here's some stale bread and a broken bag. Broken like a robot, as a toy without wheels.

It makes me angry thinking about what he said, that I treated my subcommers like slaves, unkindly. At this juncture, let me hurl some pecans at his beady little eyes and his fat lips because that is simply untrue. I treated them like I owed them a living. Here's 5 points for being my friend. Here's 5 points for doing your job. Poppycock. Here's 5 points for being completely absent. Just kidding. I gave him 0 points.

But it's not even him. He's not why I'm feeling so deflated right now. It's. a cumulation of things. As it always is. It's the fact that I don't know how our team became so fragmented, with people drawing swords, keeping score and taking sides. Not that I'm quoting Taylor Swift (but I kinda do like that song). Since when did we permit rudeness or nonchalance. Since when have we become so completely ineffectual in being thinkers, and leaders. And (wait for it) pioneers? I feel the team falling apart; we're not a team and that hurts me. Because I wanted it to be so much more, even though I hadn't wanted it in the first place. But I had hope. And I had faith. And those are powerful things. Those were powerful things? Those are powerful things.

I guess that's one of the reasons why it sucks so much. Because upon mighty shoulders the mountains still fell.

It's also the fact that I don't get to. be destructive like her. I can't go prancing through the eaves, whispering in people's ears my problems and hoping that they'd solve them for me. I can see the bigger picture, I should know better. But she gets the sympathy. And sometimes, I'd like a little of that. Haha wow look at me shooting myself in the foot. The one who tells people to 'suck it up'. Look what I've become.

I want to try harder. I want to fight this. I want to take my own advice and I want to 'suck it up'. After tonight, no more feeling defeated. Only forward-looking and fortitude. I've got no time for feeling sorry.