080314

Got into a big fight with the pops. I don't know where all this anger is coming from. It didn't feel good leaving my body, it doesn't feel good now. My head is a mess and I'm tired as hell. But tonight I'm not sleeping.

He told me to grow up. That's when I lost it. It's my fault that I haven't been trying hard enough to go home more often and occasionally I drop a text but that's not enough and I know that. I know these things but I tell myself that it's ok or they should understand because honestly, even if they didn't, I don't have the energy to care. Grow up.

I tell myself it's ok because I'm not loafing around whilst I'm here. I'm working every minute I can, every chance I get to sit down, I'm working. Or I'm having a meeting. Or I'm cramming for a test or worrying about someone else's job. And I'm tired but everyone is. And I'm tired but why does it matter when I'm just a child throwing a tantrum. He asked me to grow up and I'm so sick of people telling me that. But if they're telling me that then it must be true.

I swore at him. I shouldn't have done that but I was so angry. So angry that he wasn't more understanding or that he was so sure that he was right. If he'd just asked. Shown a little more curiosity or concern instead of annoyance every time I had to go back early. He said what I do is meaningless. If I can't balance family and work and play and life and love and stress and self-worth and allthisworryingaboutnotbeingspoiltorgrowingup then it's all meaningless.

Grow up. Grow up. This isn't about you. You have no right to be defensive he said. You are wrong. He said.

And then I go home and see my drunk deranged mother throwing a fit or laughing maniacally. Usually one follows the other. He blamed me for their arguing. And I tell myself it's ok because I'm going back to hall on Sunday. Where I get to study. And do work. And meet deadlines and meet people instead of emailing them. And I feel like an outsider but I prefer it that way.

But it's all in my head because I need to grow up. I hope this night lasts forever. I really don't want to go home tomorrow.