Everything's not lost

I let people leave because I don't want to try to keep them around and fail, and feel a fool for caring too much. So I let them change, I tell them that we'll try harder the next time. I tell them I'm busy and I let them believe that I still have hope for us.

Maybe sometimes I believe they'd come back anyway. That despite my tomfoolery, they're exactly the amazing people I fell in love with when we first agreed to put some effort into the relationship. So they come back, and they forgive me. And they love me. And I tell myself to buck up. But I'm clutching at straws when all I want to do is be a shadow to a bookshelf and not have to feel feelings I could later forfeit or be a face I might later lose.

And I just suck at this whole friendship thing. My nightmares tell me to wake up, I count my nights of petrified sleep and I tell myself to stop waiting for things to get better because I'm here now and what matters is what I do now. 

So get your shit in order, girl.