I learnt to hide from my mother. Not that she herself hides - no - I've often accused her for being too transparent. For not shielding her children from her destructive sadness. For not hiding.
So I taught myself to hide, to scold myself for thinking certain thoughts, to berate myself for feeling certain feelings. I pushed them away, told them never to come back, never to surface, to not be seen nor heard.
And whenever people made me feel lesser than I wanted to be, I'd act smaller. If you're not going to be cordial to me as I am cordial to you, then it was my folly for trying to be cordial in the first place. (fruit punch mm)
But lately I've been teaching myself something different. Because being able to hide is not strength, being vulnerable is. Acting smaller than I actually am is not strength, being as big and as glorious as God has made me is. Deciding to stop loving people because they don't love me back is not strength. Loving is strength, loving is power. It always will be, forever and always.
I'm getting there. Although now, the things that I've learnt are manifesting in... less than ideal ways. I get angry now when people attempt to make me feel small. Anger is wrong haha.
Like I said, I'm getting there. (:
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