where do we go from here?

Day 29: What you live for.

Good question. I've been asking myself the same question since 2 years ago and in a way, it has made me jaded. I don't know what to think anymore, nothing means anything anymore. (Refer to post labeled "we are not who you think we are") I used to will myself to live for God, to serve God in a way He meant for me to serve, and I know in my heart that that's the answer that I've been looking for.

and that there shouldn't be more. I shouldn't be expecting more, I shouldn't want more. and even if I did, I shouldn't get more to it.

But I secretly and shamefully do want there to be something more to be worth living for. I suck, I know.

Sometimes I try to convince myself that I'm living for the moment. No, not that I'm living on the edge, spending minutes like it were my last, making sure I take not one single minute for granted. No, I don't do that. Living for the moment, to me, means taking life as it comes. Whatever comes my way, I'll deal with it. I'll adapt, I'll accept, maybe I'll enjoy.

I don't spend time on planning for the future. I try not to think ahead not because I can't, but because I won't. I don't like to think about the future, because honestly, it scares me too darn much.

人无远虑，必有近忧. yes I get it, but meh, you're a Chinese proverb. Screw you, Chinese proverb.

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. "
Matthew 6:34

I'm making an excuse. I don't worry for tomorrow not because I'm a strong enough Christian, but because the prospect of having to do so is actually scarier than suffering the consequences that might come from the lack of planning.

I mean, at least, up until now, that is.