who gave up on you.

Today, I didn't know how to feel. Have you ever had that before? The need to set out before yourself a list of emotions to possess before you even have them? I usually like making lists, but this one was different. Today, I had a choice, and I hated it. But as much as I hated not having the normal human mechanism of feeling, a part of me was relieved that at least I had the choice to be the bigger person, something the old me never had the luxury of.

At this time of the night, I feel like being violent and punching through the chests of deceitful men. But I imagine my fists hitting clouds of vacant space, as the lungs of these men collapse around my knuckles, leaving behind dusty black ash on the back of my hand. This is often the case as night falls; everything is a little darker and with all this black night time to ponder, I manage to find reason to justify these fresh feelings.

Today, I felt seasick. The whole time I imagined myself getting sick over the decks of row boats and somehow, below me, the cold blue-grey marbles would fold onto one another, washing over the hurt and the dirt. The sickness hasn't washed away though because metaphors stay metaphors and the storybooks of childhood don't make reality well. I wish I could just throw up already.

I wanted to feel sorry, but, as usual, I didn't. Because I don't feel sorry often, and old habits die hard. And I disagree with what you said but I don't deserve better so I shan't wax lyrical. I will swallow my words and avoid eye contact. Maybe some time soon I'll know how to feel. Because that's what normal humans do. And I do, sometimes, want to be normal. Sometimes.