Everything is changing / That was the night we started running

I know I should be going to sleep soon, especially since I can afford it now. But I'm really not tired yet. Not that tired yet.

I. Felt like I lost something today. I looked at my hands and all I saw were misdoings, unfortunately bad decisions that led to me losing something. People. Friendships. Myself. Decisions that I made full knowing (or at least thinking) that that was what I wanted. That pain and hurt were what I was willing to tolerate but only if they were temporary.

Sappy soppy boo hoo. I'm sorry. I JUST KEEP THINKING ABOUT YOU ARGH I WISH I'D STOP. Please, stop, brain. Please please please.

Also. Woke up to lengthy text today. First sentence reads: I hate you. Well, good morning to you too, world.

I don't know what this emotion is. I don't know if I feel like crying, if I don't care or if I just need a hug. I don't know if I want 'protection', if I need 'protection'. Why do all these people think they need to protect me. I'm a grown person, for crying out loud.

No. I won't cry out loud.

I just lost something. And I need to find it. I need to find it so I can be satisfied with staying broken. That's how the light gets in, right?